I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
