My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize