You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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