Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
