Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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