he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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