i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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