you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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