Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
