Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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