pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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