nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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