Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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