Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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