All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You need Xanax blowdarts
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
