Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
