Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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