I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
