Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
