while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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