Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
