I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize