turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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