I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
