i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
