Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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