I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
