my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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