i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize