Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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