you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Randomize
