hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
