You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
