3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
