he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize