i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
