She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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