i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
