guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
