oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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