I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
