3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
