shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
