I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
