I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
