Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
