M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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