I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
