best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
