I feel great
I just peed on a car
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
