i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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