"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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