If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
