3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
