Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
