rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize