You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
