I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
