Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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