Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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