ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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