I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
