the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
