So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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