where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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